Can’t live with them or without them!

4208ED56-5750-4617-8651-BABA44FE57F6*All derogatory statements in this article are made in jest, if you take these seriously you’re getting all worked up over nothing and are probably an idiot.

There are stages in life for everything, there’s the crawler, toddler, the why stage {{I never grew out of this stage! Hence my rambling mind..}}, the tween stage, teen stage. Then when you’re in a relationship there’s the “talking”, hanging out, dating, engaged, honeymooners, etc.

I believe there’s these stages in Motherhood as well, for example the “honeymoon” stage with your newborn everything is, “AWE! She just_____” fill in the blank. {{blinked, yawned, burped, farted, explosive diarrhea, and a list of other average or disgusting things we wouldn’t normally deem as “cute”.}} Your so in love and everything is so great and that sweet little baby is so great and you don’t know what all the fuss you had heard over newborns was about and then…..

BAM! The “fog” stage, get comfy sweetie its gonna be awhile, I cannot even recollect what exactly happened during this stage but I’m positive it involved no sleep and lots of nursing and diapers..and crying..me and the baby crying.

Relief. There’s a lifting of the fog and now you’re in the “auto-pilot” stage. This is a blissful stage, things have leveled out, you can now tote baby on your hip without her flopping all over the place, making you wonder if babies can get whip-lash. You can probably even multi-task while holding baby, go ahead and finish that cup of coffee before it gets cold.

Fast forward through some of the other stages onto one of my least favorites but absolutely where most of my funny mom stories come from. Potty training! Get ready for everything to smell like urine. Even more so if you have a boy, there’s nothing more fun than having a water gun attached to you at all times right?! Cue the target practice, everything from the a.c. vent in the floor to the more difficult moving dog targets, the more difficult the more points!

Needless to say you can’t live with kids, at least not a cushy, ultra comfortable, all the walls and furniture are white, even the dog is white..and long haired.{{if you have mastered the long, white-haired dog feat please email me all the details, and your name and address so I can check you’re honesty and possibly nominate you for a Nobel Prize.}}  Nothing is just yours anymore, not the bath, shower, food, drink, car, clothes, phone, sunglasses, notebook, computer, NOTHING! Everything will don their fingerprints and slobber.

But the life you can live is miraculous and fun! Gah, it’s so much FUN!

You constantly have someone to scare when they are coming down the hallway because they NEVER expect it! They are so easy to trick into eating lemons because they are so trusting, always assuming you’re about to give them something yummy. You can tell them ANYTHING and they’ll believe it because they’re so gullible.{{Go ahead and tell them you discovered America they’ll never know until they’re older and you’ll also make them the coolest kid in daycare.}} You can show them things and they’ll be amazed, stuff that adults shrug off and take for granted. You get to watch their personalities grow and watch their own sense of humor flourish! You can make something as aggravating and boring as bringing someone a roll of toilet paper who’s stranded on the toilet hilarious by instead of handing it to them, spiking it like you’re trying for the winning point in the state final volleyball tournament!

Kids are amazing, curiously fun little creatures who I couldn’t recommend more! But you gotta have fun, for your sanity and for your kids, instead of having a meltdown because the baby has detonated a poo bomb in her diaper covering her, her bed, the floor, and part of the wall, your naked potty training toddler is chasing the dog, your 4 year-old fashionista is changing clothes for the 16th time that morning resulting in a pile of clothes you’re not sure which is clean or not, your 8-year-old is screaming for a roll of toilet paper and your husband is gagging through it all, laugh. Laugh Momma, your kids need it, your husband needs it {{along with a barf bag}}, and you Momma, you need it most of all.

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